Oscars 2012

As usual, this post is going to be incredibly long because there are so many pictures of so many dresses. Including all of these crazy ones from the post-parties. I'll try to be brief.

Before we get to the fashion, a few notes about the show. I was excited that Billy Crystal was returning but all of his jokes seemed a little dated and flat. But he did a serviceable job. Truthfully, I think nowadays the critics and online bloggers would crucify any host because it's a thankless job. But it was fairly boring and predictable. I knew Octavia Spencer would win but I was mad they gave her like 10 seconds to make a speech when she could have been really moving but instead I just saw her get flustered because a giant sign was flashing "5 seconds". I was hoping Brad Pitt would win but I knew the Frenchman would win and he was charming as hell. Especially on the ABC pre-show when he said he loved America because of the cinnamon rolls. I have a feeling he's hit up the Cinnabon at LAX. When they called Meryl Streep's name I was immediately so sad for Viola Davis. I think she really wanted it and she deserved it. But then Meryl got up there and was charming as hell, as usual. How lovely is she? Okay, on to the dresses.

Good color, bad cut - Viola Davis
Like I said, I love this woman. She is smart and I LOVE that she ditched the weave and wig to go all natural. Totally ballsy. And I think the color is awesome. But I just really don't like the dress. The bust is not good and the bottom of the skirt is awkward. Too bad.

Shiny, wet, metallic is a thing now, huh? - Ellie Kemper, Rose Byrne, Anna Faris, Melissa Leo, and Judy Greer

I guess you have to have quite a body to wear tight shiny metallics and some of these work. I think Judy Greer's is the best. Kemper's copper color is kind of cool but her bangs are so long that they're distracting. And Melissa Leo...no.

It's 1988 and "Dynasty" is #1 - Jennifer Lopez
I don't understand this. I don't understand her. She is one of the most beautiful women in the world and could wear anything. And she chooses this ugly 80s gown. Or at least that's what I thought of it. My husband thought it "wasn't bad" and that's when I knew I was watching the red carpet with the wrong person.
I actually like her after-party dress slightly better, though it's the same designer.

Best I've ever seen her look - Tina Fey
Apparently this was custom Carolina Herrera. Tina should wear her every time.

Too pale, Dislike. - Melissa McCarthy and Berenice Bejo

Respect your elders - Glenn Close, Jane Seymour, and Meryl Streep


These ladies are 65, 61, and 62, respectively. They look pretty awesome. I actually really dug Glenn's outfit when I first saw it on TV. Good job ladies.

The Sisters Grimm - Rooney and Kate Mara

I find Rooney Mara pretty insufferable. What a wet blanket in every interview. And her dresses throughout the past year have been such a snooze. Always white or black and always ugly. And I don't know why she insists on keeping that severe haircut. So yes, I did not like her dress. I actually kind of like her sister Kate's dress but I suppose it doesn't really matter when barely anyone knows your name.

Finally! - Jessica Chastain
Well, Jessica FINALLY wore something that didn't suck. Though, truthfully, I really didn't love this dress when I first saw it. I just thought that the pattern made her hips look huge. But her hair and makeup looked beautiful. And I can't even describe how adorable she was in interviews on the red carpet. She brought her grandma and seemed so delighted when Seacrest talked to her Nana. And seemed legitimately flustered when Billy Bush told her she was the most beautiful woman on the red carpet. So cute.

Keeping it real - Shailene Woodley
I have to say...I may not love this dress but it really does seem like her. Good for her for not letting a stylist take her over and dress her in some monstrosity that Lea Michele would wear. This may not be awesome but I give her props for wearing something she was comfortable in.

Please stop with the neutrals - Kristen Wiig and Cameron Diaz

I don't hate Kristen's dress but it would have been so much better in COLOR. And Cameron...I just don't like this color on her. Or the dress. Or the hair. Or the makeup. So I guess that's a no.

Surprisingly good - Stacy Keibler
Girlfriend Barbie has trotted out a lot of bad looks over the past few months but I thought she looked pretty good here. Pretty color on her and even though I don't usually like giant hip flowers, she made it work. Probably because she's a tall skinny blonde.

I like her but don't like the outfit - Sandra Bullock
Marchesa is such a crappy designer. This is just not good. Though I will say it looks comfortable and like she doesn't have to wear a few pairs of Spanx with it. But what is poor Sandy doing to her face? So sad.

I don't like her but like the outfit - Natalie Portman
I do not like Natalie Portman and I think it's embarrassing she has an Oscar. That being said, her vintage red gown is very nice and pretty.

Yay! Flattering AND Pretty! - Octavia Spencer
Man, she looks like a million bucks. Good for her.

Twee-fatigue - Michelle Williams
Okay, looking at these pictures again, I guess Michelle Williams looks pretty good. I could do without the tutu skirt (I guess it's called a peplum?) But I just am a little over the delicate shrinking violet shy girl thing. I mean, she's even changed her voice tone since good ol' "Dawson's Creek". And I think it's cute she takes Busy Phillips as her date everywhere...but at some point doesn't her mom say "what the hell do I have to do to get an invite?"

Preeetttyyy... :) - Missi Pyle, Penelope Cruz, and Danica McKellar?!


I think these are all pretty. And I came across this random picture of Danica McKellar (of Wonder Years fame) and was shocked. I love that dress! Her hair is kind of a hot mess but she looks good.

Goop wears a cape - Gwyneth Paltrow
Because of course she wears a cape. And sort of pulls it off. Damn her.

Ugly, Uglier, and Heinous - Zoe Saldana, January Jones, and Gwen Stefani



Wow. I mean, just terrible.

A print I like - Kate Beckinsale
I know I may be crazy...but I kind of like it.

A print I hate - Lily Collins

Va-va-voom - Sofia Vergara

Is it wrong that I like this? - Kelly Osbourne

The dress I'd choose to wear - Salma Hayek
I love this dress. For real. I would love to wear it. It looks comfortable but beautiful. Not surprising that Salma looks good. I mean, how could she not?

I know, I know...but she's so likeable! - Emma Stone
Okay, so it seems that everyone hated Emma's red dress. But I didn't. I know it has a giant red bow. But I'm partial to red dresses and she seemed in on the fact that yes, indeed, she did have a giant bow on her neck. She said so in the ABC pre-show and she said it with a giant wink and a smile. But, hands down, the best part of the show was her presenting the VFX award with Ben Stiller. She was funny, she was charming, she was likeable. I've met her and she is all those things in person. So yes, I liked it. And her after-party dress was kind of crazy but but it was edgy and I liked that one too.

And, finally,

I'M CONFUSED - Angelina Jolie

Okay, so let's talk about Angelina. Here's the good... for once she smiled a lot on the red carpet and looked happy. And I forget what an awesome smile she has because she rarely flashes it. Her hair was lighter and full and lovely. Her make-up was well done. Her dress, while her normal boring black, was velvet, had a nice little waist, and was voluminous.

But then there was her leg. And while I'm doing this post 24 hours later so this has already been discussed to death, I don't understand. Angelina always seems to be in control, be smart, be above it all. She knows everyone calls her sexy but she makes a point to wear somewhat boring outfits and keep busy traveling the world saving children and stuff. I saw her on the red carpet and I was perplexed by the leg. It's so awkwardly out there. Like that must have felt so ridiculous. But, I guess some people feel the need to show off the slit of the dress so fine. Whatever. But then she marches on stage to present and strikes the same wide-legged pose. On TV. In front of 200 million people. The most awkward stance of all time. Which just doesn't make sense. She doesn't need to pose. Or try to be sexy. She is. So at first I actually thought she was in on the joke. Right? I mean, she's smart, she's been to enough of these things, what was she doing? Then I began to second guess myself. And then one of the winners for Best Adapted Screenplay (go Dean Pelton!) got up there, took the statue from her, and struck the same pose as her on stage. Three feet from her. Making fun of Saint Angelina to her face. And it was funny. And then suddenly I felt a little bad for her. Was she being serious and trying to look good and now she was the butt of a joke? Dammit! How did she get me to feel bad for her? Her?! One of the most beautiful, successful women in the world?! So, here I sit, 24 hours later, and I'm still confused. I don't get it. Why did she suddenly decide to try (too hard) at this one particular event?

We interrupt Jack programming...

...to bring you Golden Globes fashion coverage.

Yes, not really mommy-centric but it's why I couldn't write a Jack post last night...I was too busy watching the Golden Globes. While the awards weren't that exciting (Gervais was bland and boring, the speeches were, for the most part, uninteresting), the red carpet fashion choices were, for the first time in a long time, pretty unpredictable and interesting! Yay! Of course, that means there were a lot of bad dresses but at least they weren't all one shoulder asymmetrical gowns in red. In fact, there were very few one shoulder gowns. Is my least favorite trend dying?! Here are my thoughts. Please excuse the snark.

The "You have to sacrifice walking in order to look hot" award is a tie:

Sofia Vergara and Reese Witherspoon both looked pretty hot though I'm not sure how you walk when your knees are tied together. But I guess it worked. In John's words, "wow, reese really brought out the sexiness."

The Most Improved Award goes to:

Tina Fey. I mean, she looked good! That's so rare. Remember this atrocity from a year or two ago?

The Most Comfortable Dress award goes to:

The one dress that might not kill me if I wore it. Didn't look tight, had pockets, was normal. Yeah, it's not amazing but she just had her THIRD KID. Give her a break.

The "Most Unlike Her" Award goes to:

Sarah Michelle Gellar. Watching the E! coverage, they did a long shot of her and I couldn't figure out who it was. My husband was like, "that's Buffy" and I said, "no way, Sarah Michelle Gellar never wears anything like that." She's a pretty safe dresser. So I was pretty stunned that she chose such a crazy dress. And it is crazy. And I'm sure most people hate it. But I kind of like her for choosing something so different. Cool.

The "I'm wearing artificial turf" award goes to:

Zooey Deschanel. Terrible. Bad wig (or I hope that mop is a wig) and her torso looked like it was covered in fake grass.

The "I'm gorgeous so I can wear a sack" award goes to:

Look, it's not much, but she's pretty. And I like the necklace.

The "Ha ha I'm going to shock you all by finally NOT wearing a sack" award goes to:

Angeline Jolie wears a loose fitting caftan sack dress 99% of the time. But I guess last night she wanted to be the glamorous movie star that every one thinks she is. And yeah, she's gorgeous.

The "Your show is annoying, you're annoying, and now your dress is annoying" award goes to:

Lea Michele from "Glee". I just think this dress is hideous. Blake Lively wore a similar Marchesa a few months ago and that was also hideous. The color is bad, her hair is bad, the cut outs and mesh and metallic is all bad. A perfect choice for Lea.

The "my hair color is too dark" award is a tie:

Kristin Wiig and Jessica Biel. I don't know, for some reason I don't like their hair this dark. Then I also don't like Wiig's 70s inspired pseudo jumpsuit dress. And Biel's lacy Victorian high collar is just dowdy. Maybe she's just sad because she has to play this on-again, off-again girlfriend role to Justin Timberlake. That must be exhausting.

The "something is slightly off with my face" award goes to:

Michelle Williams. Seriously. Help me out you guys. Her face is just a tiny bit off. Older pictures of her have a slightly different face. But it's so slight that it's hard to pin point. The nose? The chin? The eyes actually look different too. I don't know what's going on. I mean, she's clearly in her Mia Farrow phase and she is so damn fragile on stage that a soft wind could blow her over. Though I think purple patterned crushed velvet can stand up to anything. Thank god.

The "maybe if I dress like I'm 16 you won't notice my botox" award goes to:

Okay, that was mean. I like Julie Bowen. I LOVE "Modern Family". And I emphasize with Claire's type A mom personality now. But this dress was a little too pink and princess-y. And her hair styling didn't suit her. And the color washed her out. So, all in all, not good.

The "showing the young starlets how it's done" award goes to two classy ladies:

Viola Davis and Helen Mirren. I mean, Helen Mirren. Are you serious? The woman is 76. Viola Davis seems so nice and looks lovely. I think she's a newbie on the red carpet so I want to tell her you don't have to stick your leg out quite that far...but that's okay.

The Cool Chick award goes to:

I think Emma looks awesome. And very her. It's pretty but sort of has an edge with the eagle belt. And I love the colors. And she really is a cool chick so bravo!

The "I am literally a Barbie Doll" award goes to:

Charlize Theron. She is sooo pretty. In a very typical obvious statuesque blonde way. At first I only saw her from the waist up and thought she looked stunning. They I saw the hip bow. Why is that in style now? It's ridiculous. But if anyone can pull it off, it's her. Let me add that she said the jewel piece at her waist was a Cartier museum piece from Geneva. Because obviously you can't wear jewelry from a regular store.

And the "fire your stylist right now" award goes to:

Jessica Chastain is the new "it" girl. This year she was in "The Help", "Tree of Life", "The Debt", and "Take Shelter". She's young, skinny, and pretty. That's pretty much all you need to have when it comes to the red carpet. I assume designers were throwing dresses at her. And this is what she picked? I'd say it was an anomaly but in all her other red carpet appearances she also looked pretty bad. But I don't like this color on her, I think it's unflattering, I hate the top and I hate the way her hair looks. Sad too, because she's the best part of "The Help". And I liked that in her red carpet appearance with Giuliana Ranic she just kept going on and on how she watched Giuliana's reality show. Awesome. Don't worry, Jessica. Just do better at the Oscars.