We interrupt Jack programming...

...to bring you Golden Globes fashion coverage.

Yes, not really mommy-centric but it's why I couldn't write a Jack post last night...I was too busy watching the Golden Globes. While the awards weren't that exciting (Gervais was bland and boring, the speeches were, for the most part, uninteresting), the red carpet fashion choices were, for the first time in a long time, pretty unpredictable and interesting! Yay! Of course, that means there were a lot of bad dresses but at least they weren't all one shoulder asymmetrical gowns in red. In fact, there were very few one shoulder gowns. Is my least favorite trend dying?! Here are my thoughts. Please excuse the snark.

The "You have to sacrifice walking in order to look hot" award is a tie:

Sofia Vergara and Reese Witherspoon both looked pretty hot though I'm not sure how you walk when your knees are tied together. But I guess it worked. In John's words, "wow, reese really brought out the sexiness."

The Most Improved Award goes to:

Tina Fey. I mean, she looked good! That's so rare. Remember this atrocity from a year or two ago?

The Most Comfortable Dress award goes to:

The one dress that might not kill me if I wore it. Didn't look tight, had pockets, was normal. Yeah, it's not amazing but she just had her THIRD KID. Give her a break.

The "Most Unlike Her" Award goes to:

Sarah Michelle Gellar. Watching the E! coverage, they did a long shot of her and I couldn't figure out who it was. My husband was like, "that's Buffy" and I said, "no way, Sarah Michelle Gellar never wears anything like that." She's a pretty safe dresser. So I was pretty stunned that she chose such a crazy dress. And it is crazy. And I'm sure most people hate it. But I kind of like her for choosing something so different. Cool.

The "I'm wearing artificial turf" award goes to:

Zooey Deschanel. Terrible. Bad wig (or I hope that mop is a wig) and her torso looked like it was covered in fake grass.

The "I'm gorgeous so I can wear a sack" award goes to:

Look, it's not much, but she's pretty. And I like the necklace.

The "Ha ha I'm going to shock you all by finally NOT wearing a sack" award goes to:

Angeline Jolie wears a loose fitting caftan sack dress 99% of the time. But I guess last night she wanted to be the glamorous movie star that every one thinks she is. And yeah, she's gorgeous.

The "Your show is annoying, you're annoying, and now your dress is annoying" award goes to:

Lea Michele from "Glee". I just think this dress is hideous. Blake Lively wore a similar Marchesa a few months ago and that was also hideous. The color is bad, her hair is bad, the cut outs and mesh and metallic is all bad. A perfect choice for Lea.

The "my hair color is too dark" award is a tie:

Kristin Wiig and Jessica Biel. I don't know, for some reason I don't like their hair this dark. Then I also don't like Wiig's 70s inspired pseudo jumpsuit dress. And Biel's lacy Victorian high collar is just dowdy. Maybe she's just sad because she has to play this on-again, off-again girlfriend role to Justin Timberlake. That must be exhausting.

The "something is slightly off with my face" award goes to:

Michelle Williams. Seriously. Help me out you guys. Her face is just a tiny bit off. Older pictures of her have a slightly different face. But it's so slight that it's hard to pin point. The nose? The chin? The eyes actually look different too. I don't know what's going on. I mean, she's clearly in her Mia Farrow phase and she is so damn fragile on stage that a soft wind could blow her over. Though I think purple patterned crushed velvet can stand up to anything. Thank god.

The "maybe if I dress like I'm 16 you won't notice my botox" award goes to:

Okay, that was mean. I like Julie Bowen. I LOVE "Modern Family". And I emphasize with Claire's type A mom personality now. But this dress was a little too pink and princess-y. And her hair styling didn't suit her. And the color washed her out. So, all in all, not good.

The "showing the young starlets how it's done" award goes to two classy ladies:

Viola Davis and Helen Mirren. I mean, Helen Mirren. Are you serious? The woman is 76. Viola Davis seems so nice and looks lovely. I think she's a newbie on the red carpet so I want to tell her you don't have to stick your leg out quite that far...but that's okay.

The Cool Chick award goes to:

I think Emma looks awesome. And very her. It's pretty but sort of has an edge with the eagle belt. And I love the colors. And she really is a cool chick so bravo!

The "I am literally a Barbie Doll" award goes to:

Charlize Theron. She is sooo pretty. In a very typical obvious statuesque blonde way. At first I only saw her from the waist up and thought she looked stunning. They I saw the hip bow. Why is that in style now? It's ridiculous. But if anyone can pull it off, it's her. Let me add that she said the jewel piece at her waist was a Cartier museum piece from Geneva. Because obviously you can't wear jewelry from a regular store.

And the "fire your stylist right now" award goes to:

Jessica Chastain is the new "it" girl. This year she was in "The Help", "Tree of Life", "The Debt", and "Take Shelter". She's young, skinny, and pretty. That's pretty much all you need to have when it comes to the red carpet. I assume designers were throwing dresses at her. And this is what she picked? I'd say it was an anomaly but in all her other red carpet appearances she also looked pretty bad. But I don't like this color on her, I think it's unflattering, I hate the top and I hate the way her hair looks. Sad too, because she's the best part of "The Help". And I liked that in her red carpet appearance with Giuliana Ranic she just kept going on and on how she watched Giuliana's reality show. Awesome. Don't worry, Jessica. Just do better at the Oscars.